Last week I was at the beach waiting in line for a smoothie and couldn’t help eavesdrop on the conversation that was happening in front of me. Two thirty-something men – lets call them Macca and Charlie – were discussing women. More accurately they were discussing women waking past the shop in their swimming costumes.

Here’s where the story stops being predictable and becomes interesting. The conversation was wolf-whistle free. No put downs, nothing rude, lewd – these blokes were complimentary and enthusiastic in their appraisals. What I found most fascinating was that they uttered not one single word about size or weight. It didn’t even come in to it. They were genuinely focused on the good bits – as far as they could see (and I could hear), when it comes to women in cossies there are only good bits.

Three things I learnt:

1. Men don’t see size in the same way women do. A range of body types (6-16) walked past Macca and Charlie but they talked about each women in exactly the same way – give or take a compliment – and it had nothing to do with dress size and everything to do with the bits that filled it.

2. Men love looking at women. Admiring women. Talking about women. Being with women. This can be done without leering, jeering, grunts or clicks. That’s a stereotype we need to move on from.

3. Men like bits that jiggle and wiggle. They don’t call it cellulite or fat. I’m not sure they even see it. Curvy/round/flat/small/skinny doesn’t seem to be all that important.

I was genuinely disappointed when their drinks arrived. I could have listened to them all day. It was strangely uplifting. Macca and Charlie made me feel great. About everything. Being a woman. Men. My body. Mankind…

By contrast five days later back at the same smoothie shack, I listened to a conversation* between two women – lets call them Kylie and Rachel. They had an almost identical exchange to the men – talking about bodies in swimsuits - except it was full of negativity and ultimately self-doubt.

Three things I already know:

1. Women talk in terms of size all the time – and tend to notice it ahead of other attributes.

2. Women often see faults before any of the good bits. No more so than when critiquing themselves.

3. Women feel guilty talking trash about other women. After five minutes of bitchy comments, Rachel and Kylie repented by putting the boot into their own bodies.

I couldn’t wait to get away. I felt like I needed a shower. Their conversation was predictable and depressing. Why do we do this to ourselves? Still. With all that we know. These everyday exchanges at the local shop put a highlighter pen through the fact that when it comes to women and self esteem, we are still our own worst enemies.

This column is full of generalisms. I could have stumbled upon the world’s nicest men and two of the most insecure women this side of Bondi but experience tells me that this type of conversation is average and going on all over town. Everyday.

Walking back to my towel with my daughters it occurred to me how much better women would feel about their bodies if they looked at them through the eyes of a man. I’m certain that if I had Charlie and Macca sitting on my shoulder instead of Rachel and Kylie I would be in much better spiritual shape.

So I’m giving it a go. That’s my new year’s resolution. After all, positive body image starts with positive thoughts. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.

Paula Joye’s website is www.lifestyled.com.au or you follow her on Twitter and Facebook.